The Myth of Attractiveness
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You probably think a nice shave is attractive.
Or a Rolex.
Or a job with lots of money.
Or a large group of friends.
Ever hear of Hemingway's The Great Gatsby? He had loads of money, loads of friends, but he couldn't get the one girl he wanted, even with all the grandeur. It wasn't because he didn't have enough... He had enough to get Jay Z to feature in his soundtrack 70 years before Jay Z was even born!
It was because he wasn't genuinely attractive.
Before I started seeking attractiveness from my insides, I tried to attract girls using my external intellect. I was a bit fat at that age, not fit, and not athletic. I was emotionally reactive and had bad diet habits. They fed into each other.
So my best trait was my intellect. I would often bring a Rubik's cube around and casually play with it, waiting for a girl to joke "I bet you can't finish that!" *Cue side sneer*
As if on cue I'd retort "okay... mix it up then." 90 seconds later it would be solved in my hand.
I would often get a girls' number, but usually not more than that. Because it was a surface-level trick. Behind it, I was a fat nerd hungry for external validation.
The moment I started seeking validation from myself first, I instantly became less needy.
"Needy, that is a sticky, sticky word," you say. It might even make you feel icky inside. We all need others in our life. We all need to feel wanted. We all need to feel loved.
So what does "needy" mean? Where is the boundary between "needy" and "just a little lonely?"
"Needy" means feeling unwhole. Feeling that without others' approval, you are less than worthy. The presence of a large void within yourself, and a lack of effort to seek to validate yourself. Like you're the problem when you feel bad, rather than there's something you need to fix.
We've all had that friend who sucked all the energy out of the room, right? That guy or girl who you didn't want to talk to because they'd latch onto every complement and milk it for everything...
Maybe they had an abusive family. Maybe their dog died and they blamed themselves, never forgiving themselves and it seeped into every part of their life like your vomit that one night...
You may have even felt bad for that person. Or been that person like me, for most of my life.
Some girls might initially be attracted to neediness, but often it's out of their own internal problems, like a need to fix someone else. Often excessive neediness immediately puts you in their mind as "unfuckable." Some guys turn to self-help books to fake neediness away through social tricks like most schools of pickup, some see a therapist, others seek drugs or sex to fill that void.
In the end, the only thing that will permanently fix the hole is the realization through therapy or other means that you are whole. Like even if you haven't had sex in 5 years, you might be as horny as the devil, but you are still a valid person. The only difference is that you're in a shitty place.
"You're not sub-human. You're just in a shitty situation that you need to fix."
If you're suddenly homeless for instance... You're not sub-human. You're just in a shitty situation that you need to fix.
Once you become secure in yourself, others will begin to feel secure around you. You'll stop sucking the warmth out of a room and start being the light people look up to, and maybe want to date and fuck. Because you're taking care of yourself.
I had a friend once who came up to me all distraught. A girl he was texting said he wasn't secure enough, that he seemed uneasy about himself. That she was into self-assured guys, and he didn't make the cut. He showed me the texts and she was really understanding about it too, being sympathetic to his feels but also stating her preferences.
I told him to find one thing he liked in his life that wasn't girls and to go do that.
I didn't tell him anything about how to win her back. Instead I told him to find one thing he liked in his life that wasn't girls and to go do that. He needed to realize he was a whole person whether she worshiped his dick or spit on it out of disgust.
I call you to do the same. What in your life is awesome, but has nothing to do with anyone else liking it? What would you do, even if everyone else in the world was trying to stop you because you loved it so much?